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I ve consistently been fascinated by families whose children seem to be on particular kind of atypical streak reaching the top of their career ladders or even more fascinating to me blazing trails or following their passions with spectacular results What did their parents do differently to empower them What do researchers really know about what s effective in giving kids the aid they need to succeed Given that siblings are often so different what seemed to be helpful across the board For my book The Family Dynamic A Journey Into the Mysteries of Sibling Success I interviewed dozens of parents of high-achieving children and interviewed well over experts As a mom of twin boys who are now teenagers here s what I exposed to be the preponderance convincing Optimism is everything You can provide all the enrichment in the world and encourage your child to excel in school but if they don t internalize a sense of possibility their academic strengths might only take them so far I was amazed by the consistency of the outlook of the parents I interviewed who encouraged their kids to think big feel hope and stay positive Marilyn Holifield one of three siblings from Tallahassee who became influential civil rights activists stated me that the unspoken motto in her household was All things realizable And Amalia Murguia who raised seven children in humble circumstances several of whom became national figures in philanthropy civil rights and the federal courts would also say With God s help all things are practicable You have to know your child and tailor your motivational approach to them One fascinating analysis revealed that parents often don t know what to say when children say they don t want to take math and science classes that can be crucial for academic success The researchers followed up by providing pamphlets and website links to help parents tailor their motivational approach to their own children If their child wished to be professional soccer players for example the parents might say Oh when you re a pro athlete you need to be able to stay on top of your finances which can be quite essential at that pay scale Telling kids to focus on something practical won t inspire them Instead parents were to focus on what would make that learning seem valuable to their children based on their interests The SAT scores of kids whose parents used this approach compared to parents randomly assigned to a control ended up with ACT math and science scores that were higher Understand that learning and empowerment can happen anywhere One inquiry that stuck with me located that parents often underestimate how capable their children are and how much they will learn from trying hard even in every day tasks The experimenters gave -year-olds at a children s museum the opportunity to dress themselves in hockey gear for play and particular parents were reminded that kids can learn from dressing themselves They sat back and let the child figure out the various straps and how to put on the gear which they did successfully Kids are capable of more than we think and we know that when parents intervene it s demotivating so we should encourage self-sufficiency rather than be afraid of the smallest struggles Jeannine Groff the mother of an Olympian an award-winning novelist and a serial entrepreneurial manifested me how she keeps all the plastic dishes and cups on floor of the bottom cabinet in her kitchen so her grandchildren can serve themselves Learning doesn t just happen from puzzles and books it happens in the everyday engagements It s not just hard work and grit a genuine love for knowledge matters too Especially since the pandemic developmental psychologists are making a shift away from research on how to encourage hard work and towards research on how to foster a love of learning and a deep curiosity So multiple of the parents I wrote about in my book seemed to think that journey was one way to foster that and various research backs that thinking up The Emanuels three famous brothers who have been at the top of the entertainment political and bioethics fields mentioned their father thought it was absolutely necessary for an understanding of the world and oneself I remember interviewing the parents of one set of incredible siblings for whom tour was so key that they saved all year for one big trip and they brought two weeks worth of homemade snacks so they wouldn t have to pay for that on the road Motivate your kids not by being a coach but with love What all of these lessons have in common is that the parents I interviewed brought love and bliss to helping their children grow For the majority part they were there to backing their children but didn t see themselves as their coaches and critics Diane Paulus the Broadway director was dancing the American Ballet Theater at a very young age but her mother s approach for me personally was an inspiring model Her mother she mentioned had a way of watching without desire Our job is to expose our kids to opportunities know them well enough to motivate them with love and then let their own desires provide all the drive they need Susan Dominus has worked for The New York Times since first as a Metro columnist and then as staff writer for The New York Times Magazine In she was part of a gang that won a Pulitzer Prize for populace operation for its reporting on workplace sexual harassment and her article about menopause in The New York Times Magazine won a National Magazine Award in She teaches journalism at Yale University and her new book The Family Dynamic A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success is out now Follow her on Instagram suedominus Are you ready to buy a house Take Smarter by CNBC Make It s new online subject How to Buy Your First Home Expert instructors will help you weigh the cost of renting vs buying financially prepare and confidently deal with every step of the process from mortgage basics to closing the deal Sign up in the modern day and use coupon code 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